Friday, June 13, 2003
At 11:30pm last night I was taking off my clothes to get into bed with Paul. Once naked, he and I sat in his living room to have our last cigarette before bed. We talked a bit and discussed the next day’s activities. I finished my cigarette first and went into his bedroom. There were no lights on in the apartment and the curtains that hang over his open bedroom doors were blowing back and forth grasped in the clutches of the fan’s oscillation. I decided to pull a little joke on Paul. I climbed onto his bed and jumped into a doggie style position, my ass humping the air. Behind me I hear Paul say “Very funny Joe. Put that ass away.” But to me the joke wasn’t over as I stayed in my “all fours” position. Eventually I realized that the joke was beating itself into the ground and I scooted back off the bed with a jolt. The next thing I knew, a lit cigarette was shoved right into my asshole. I SCREAMED in pain and started feverishly rubbing my rosebud. The pain was unbearable. Behind me I hear Paul apologizing over and over and over. “I’m SO sorry Joe. I didn’t think you were going to back up so quickly. Why did you scoot backwards like that?? JOE! I am SO SORRY!?”
“Why the FUCK would you stick a burning cigarette near my ass, PAUL!? WHY?!?! Oh my GOD you fucking ASSHOLE! My ass is on FIRE!!!”
“Joe, please…I am so sorry. I am so so so sorry.”
“SORRY!?!?!? What possesses a person to stick a lit cigarette into someone’s asshole!? How could this have ever happened?!?!”
“I didn’t realize you were going to back up. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all.”
“Then what DID you mean to do? What was the master plan in your head when you thought ‘I am going to stick a lit cigarette in between Joe’s cheeks??’”
“I am sorry. Can I do anything to make you feel better?”
“Yes. Get me some Neosporin so I can slather my asshole with it.”
In no way was this story exaggerated. I sit here right now with the most tender butt hole on the face of the planet. Paul and I have a history of playing jokes on each other and once in a while a joke goes awry. In this case, it went very awry. In fact, it’s rather ironic that on Wednesday night, Ahmad was sticking his finger into my asshole and I was loving it, and on Thursday night, Paul was sticking his cigarette into my asshole and I was hating it. A true representation of the relationships I got goin. Paul felt terrible about it and didn’t mean to hurt me. But this morning as I was taking my shit I cursed the day I ever met him. I feel as though I shit out a hundred Ginsu knives. Sheesh.
In other news…
Tonight is my friend Joanna’s birthday. She has planned an event called “The Spooky Ooky Pub Crawl”. Everyone dresses up in spooky costumes and we go to bars like “The Slaughter House” and “Meat Cleaver Mamas” and “Chop off my pussy spooky place”. Okay, so maybe I made up the last one. Personally I don’t know if I will dress up at all. I need to get some balls. I am nervous about dressing up in make-up and a costume and going with a bunch of girls to a bunch of straight bars where no one else will be dressed up. I know…get some fucking balls Joe. But I just can’t. Most likely what I will do is put some blood on my mouth and say that I am a gay vampire. Or maybe I will dress up in my nicest outfit and when people ask me what’s so spooky about me, I will whip out my dick and say “Suck my scary dick”. You know how it goes.
Joanna has no idea that I am going. Initially I had to go home to Albany this weekend, but then found out that I had the wrong weekend booked on the calendar. Jo was very disappointed when I told her that I couldn’t attend the spookfest, but she handled it all with style and grace. Mariah and I decided to surprise Joanna and not tell her that I can go afterall. It was going so well until Kelly called Joanna yesterday and told her that “Of course Joe is going. He’s been talking about it all week!”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kelly didn’t know that I was keeping the secret from Joanna. I never told Kelly about the plan. I didn’t think I had to, since they very rarely talk. Luckily, with a little bit of acting skills and a lot bit of guilt, I was able to re-convince Joanna that I am not going out with them tonight. Crisis averted. It wasn’t Kelly’s fault at all. It was mine.
Also, Kelly’s ex-girlfriend (Angie), who is also a very good friend of mine, is coming into town for a visit! She has been in Mexico for the last 8 months on an internship. We are both very excited to have her back in NY. This weekend is (hopefully) going to be non-stop hilarity and fun. But also spooky. Spooky fun.
Gosh, the inside of my butt is sore. Good thing Ahmad is going away on business for the next two weeks. Gives me time to heal. Paul just called me at work to apologize again for burning my insides. He also apologized for being a “brat” last night. Although Paul has begged me to “give him another chance”, last night he took every liberty in making me feel like a douchebag. But when he called this morning and actually apologized for being that way, it made me feel all mushy inside again. DAMN HIM. And DAMN ME for falling into the trap on a more than consistent basis.
K…before I sign out for the weekend, I want to say two things.
1) If my comments aren’t working when you come by my site, refresh the page and they will eventually appear. I have gotten numerous emails asking me what the problem is and all I can say is that “Blogger doesn’t like me very much.” I hope you can forgive them as well as me for not upgrading to a more appropriate server.
2) Whoever is leaving me the comments from “Ahmad’s Fan Club”, I LOVE you for taking the time out to be so creative and adorable. Y’all make me laugh so often, it’s like I wouldn’t be complete without having you there. This site has taken off into such a wonderful direction and I have you, the reader, to thank for it.
I bless you all with a beautiful and fun weekend.
And I bless me for being so smart, talented, and good looking.
Aren’t I just the most humble and deserving kid you know?
Yes, Joe! Yes you are!
(cheering and applause echo throughout the room as Joe takes a bow and leaves.)
“Why the FUCK would you stick a burning cigarette near my ass, PAUL!? WHY?!?! Oh my GOD you fucking ASSHOLE! My ass is on FIRE!!!”
“Joe, please…I am so sorry. I am so so so sorry.”
“SORRY!?!?!? What possesses a person to stick a lit cigarette into someone’s asshole!? How could this have ever happened?!?!”
“I didn’t realize you were going to back up. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all.”
“Then what DID you mean to do? What was the master plan in your head when you thought ‘I am going to stick a lit cigarette in between Joe’s cheeks??’”
“I am sorry. Can I do anything to make you feel better?”
“Yes. Get me some Neosporin so I can slather my asshole with it.”
In no way was this story exaggerated. I sit here right now with the most tender butt hole on the face of the planet. Paul and I have a history of playing jokes on each other and once in a while a joke goes awry. In this case, it went very awry. In fact, it’s rather ironic that on Wednesday night, Ahmad was sticking his finger into my asshole and I was loving it, and on Thursday night, Paul was sticking his cigarette into my asshole and I was hating it. A true representation of the relationships I got goin. Paul felt terrible about it and didn’t mean to hurt me. But this morning as I was taking my shit I cursed the day I ever met him. I feel as though I shit out a hundred Ginsu knives. Sheesh.
In other news…
Tonight is my friend Joanna’s birthday. She has planned an event called “The Spooky Ooky Pub Crawl”. Everyone dresses up in spooky costumes and we go to bars like “The Slaughter House” and “Meat Cleaver Mamas” and “Chop off my pussy spooky place”. Okay, so maybe I made up the last one. Personally I don’t know if I will dress up at all. I need to get some balls. I am nervous about dressing up in make-up and a costume and going with a bunch of girls to a bunch of straight bars where no one else will be dressed up. I know…get some fucking balls Joe. But I just can’t. Most likely what I will do is put some blood on my mouth and say that I am a gay vampire. Or maybe I will dress up in my nicest outfit and when people ask me what’s so spooky about me, I will whip out my dick and say “Suck my scary dick”. You know how it goes.
Joanna has no idea that I am going. Initially I had to go home to Albany this weekend, but then found out that I had the wrong weekend booked on the calendar. Jo was very disappointed when I told her that I couldn’t attend the spookfest, but she handled it all with style and grace. Mariah and I decided to surprise Joanna and not tell her that I can go afterall. It was going so well until Kelly called Joanna yesterday and told her that “Of course Joe is going. He’s been talking about it all week!”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kelly didn’t know that I was keeping the secret from Joanna. I never told Kelly about the plan. I didn’t think I had to, since they very rarely talk. Luckily, with a little bit of acting skills and a lot bit of guilt, I was able to re-convince Joanna that I am not going out with them tonight. Crisis averted. It wasn’t Kelly’s fault at all. It was mine.
Also, Kelly’s ex-girlfriend (Angie), who is also a very good friend of mine, is coming into town for a visit! She has been in Mexico for the last 8 months on an internship. We are both very excited to have her back in NY. This weekend is (hopefully) going to be non-stop hilarity and fun. But also spooky. Spooky fun.
Gosh, the inside of my butt is sore. Good thing Ahmad is going away on business for the next two weeks. Gives me time to heal. Paul just called me at work to apologize again for burning my insides. He also apologized for being a “brat” last night. Although Paul has begged me to “give him another chance”, last night he took every liberty in making me feel like a douchebag. But when he called this morning and actually apologized for being that way, it made me feel all mushy inside again. DAMN HIM. And DAMN ME for falling into the trap on a more than consistent basis.
K…before I sign out for the weekend, I want to say two things.
1) If my comments aren’t working when you come by my site, refresh the page and they will eventually appear. I have gotten numerous emails asking me what the problem is and all I can say is that “Blogger doesn’t like me very much.” I hope you can forgive them as well as me for not upgrading to a more appropriate server.
2) Whoever is leaving me the comments from “Ahmad’s Fan Club”, I LOVE you for taking the time out to be so creative and adorable. Y’all make me laugh so often, it’s like I wouldn’t be complete without having you there. This site has taken off into such a wonderful direction and I have you, the reader, to thank for it.
I bless you all with a beautiful and fun weekend.
And I bless me for being so smart, talented, and good looking.
Aren’t I just the most humble and deserving kid you know?
Yes, Joe! Yes you are!
(cheering and applause echo throughout the room as Joe takes a bow and leaves.)
